My Life as a Zombie Vampiress

Has anyone noticed there is a total mass obsession with not-quite-human humans lately? Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies are suddenly the coolest things ever, which slightly baffles me.  I mean, I can imagine fascination with super heroes and other such humanoids of otherwordly strength and power, but the undead -- really?  Who wants to be both not quite dead while also living forever?  That would suck. Big time.

Anyway, it was just after reading a copy of Zombie Haiku that my friend tossed me with an eager recommendation that I realized that I might relate more to the undead than is appropriate.  It was just after I finished this funny though horrifying little diary of morbid poems ("I loved my Momma; I eat her with my mouth closed, how she would want it") with endearing fake polaroids of grey bloody faces with empty eye sockets that I recognized my own eerie resemblance to the walking dead.

(Waking up early face illustrated by Allie Bosh)

I have an unhealthy love of and appetite for sleep.  I could literally live in my bed if it were more socially acceptable and didn't lead to me smelling perpetually of day old body musk (I have a surprisingly fragile sense of smell for such a disgustingly lazy creature).  Add to this the fact that I work from home and you get an awful looking creature that hardly appears alive and well to the average onlooker.  I usually role out of bed at the last possible moment and sit directly down in front of my computer to work, never even breaking stride until noon, at which time I finally stumble to bathroom and encounter this in the mirror:

(Also by the magnificent Allie Bosh)

I don't know about you, but I think that looks an awful lot like a Lisa Zombie to me.  It's not pretty, people, and it's for real.  Lucky for me, no one has to see this (except for the poor UPS man) until about 6ish when Hottie comes home, so I usually don't even attempt to clean up the mess.  I just return to the computer in my pajamas until my dogs start whining in fear of my increasingly crazed look.  

These primitive habits have only gotten worse since Hottie left to Korea, and I am now officially nocturnal as well.  Just like a Vampire.  That's right, I'm a Zombie Vampiress!!!

According to Google Images (the ultimate visual reference and truth source), this is what female Zombie Vampires look like:

I'd say it's pretty close, except that I don't have the rocking boobs that these chicks have.  Plus I'm pretty sure that Zombies Vampires don't spend time getting all dressed up and matchy-matchy.  They get too single-mindedly focused on obtaining brains for food to focus on their outfit of the day.

This lack of interest in style I find intriguing, since Vampires have always been portrayed throughout history as ridiculously good-looking and immaculately dressed.  It must be because they have had hundreds of years of beauty sleep and plenty of time to really nail down their style.  You've got to have a pretty awful fashion sense to still dress badly after wandering the earth for a century or more.  They were, after all, the ones to discover that black is always flattering, while red lips are a never-fail glamor statement. 

(See?  Always glamorous, and also obsessed with beds like me)

I am interpreting all of this to mean that I my genetically mutated disaster gene must also be morphing me into a hybrid monster woman with a latent old world fashion sense but bad sense of personal upkeep (blame it on the undead rotting body parts).  I am now a Zombie Vampire Alice falling down the bat cave and into a Wonderland of Werewolves and other the other dark creatures of which teenage romance novels are made.

God help us.